


Feeling lost and confused

by CourtNicxVoltronxYJ



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressed Keith (Voltron), Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Sad Keith (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 09:17:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17485415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ/pseuds/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ
Summary: Keith is having a hard time with his depression.





	Feeling lost and confused

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda a venting fic for myself. My depression is pretty bad right now and I needed some place to place all of this instead of turning it inwards and cutting.

Keith laid in his bed, staring up at the ceiling. 

He felt so tired, with zero energy whatsoever but yet every time he closed his eyes he just couldn't fall asleep. He felt so detached from himself and to the others, he felt so alone and in the face of it all he was all alone. The others were friends, they all shared a connection, a bond of some sorts, whereas for him, he was the outcast. The angry emo kid who no one wanted to be around because he couldn't handle a simple conversation with anyone.

Growing up, he didn't have a best friend, hell he didn't even have a friend. He never knew what it was like to have someone that you could trust, lay your head upon their shoulders and go to for anything, to share a good time with, to feel like you belonged somewhere. 

No all he had was an abusive home life, loneliness and sadness. He was all alone, always was and felt like he would never find a spot where he felt like he fit into. 

At school, he kept quite as long as he could, focused on his work but was desperate for someone to see him, to speak to him so he shared his smarts, began doing others homework and classwork, began giving out his notes and helping others on their tests. He thought that by doing this, that the ones he was helping would eventually see him and want to be his friend and for the longest time he felt somewhat valued until the time came where he realized that he was only just being used and completely had no one.

School changed quickly for him. He never was no one so who would care if he faded into the background, into the shadows of the classroom. Well, some people did notice and found joy in casing anger inside of Keith, making fun of him and using his trust, which he gave out too easily, to be used against himself. So he became what the others made him into, he was angry, he would lash out and it wasn't just the stuff at school that was feeding his fire, it was his home life and just about every little thing. He was the outcast, he didn't fit in and if being this "emo" kid was some form of being seen then Keith put on that jacket and gave them all a show. He thought it would help but it didn't, it just made him more angry with himself and in the end it pushed everyone around him far away. He was in war within himself and it was flowing out of him in waves that shoved others away and made some see him differently, made them not like him because of what the world and his emotions made him.

When everything came to a crashing point, he lashed out in more ways than one and then he ran. The whole world was against him and he had no one to go to, so he just ran and ran until he finally found himself far enough away from everything and everyone.

Day to day was a struggle with thoughts of suicide flying around in his head as his heart cracked with more feelings of being alone, worthless and nothing at all. Days turned into weeks then into months and Keith felt like he was so lost, confused and trapped at the very same time. He couldn't love the things he used to love, he was a shell and he had no idea how to fill this shell up, how to feel whole instead of complete emptiness. 

Then somethings changed and for a few days he felt hope fill back up into his heart. He was still on edge from all of the hurt that he had grew up with. But eventually, his high came crashing down and he was once again in the same spot he has always been in. He didn't fit in, he had no friendship with these people and now the whole universe laid upon his and the other's shoulders. A place that never gave him anything but hurt.

He began to put a mask on when he was around the others and no none of them could see that it was all fake. He was falling apart under that mask and he was slowly then quickly falling back into his train of suicidal thoughts.

Soon he got judge by his blade, by the very blood that was pumping into his veins and his hate turned so far inwards. He hate every inch of himself and he didn't care if he didn't make it back on the next mission or if he woke up the next morning. So the very blade that has been with him now became a piece of him, for he soon began to bring it down upon his skin, drawing red and bloody lines that for a few made things feel better but then it would all go crashing again and he would only hate himself even more. 

He was out of place, a failure, a loner, a nothing and he was weak in someways and he needed support and help but he was just so lost that he didn't know how to reach out for help or who he could really trust.  
All of their kindness felt fake to him for deep down he knew that he didn't matter, he has felt it for far too many years to start to believe that it isn't true.

In the end he was so lost within his depression and his life that he couldn't seen an upside or a reason for keep going through this pain but a part of him whispered to him that if he ended it, that it would only hurt everyone else. For Keith it was confusing because no one ever cared about him but he has always cared about everyone else and felt like he needed...had to put everyone else before himself because they mattered more than he did and ever would. So for his mind to tell him to not do it for the others, not because they would miss him, no it was because he would be such a burden upon them if he did it. So he listened and listened over and over again to that small whisper that allowed his depression to change and grow darker in its form. Everything was telling him that he wasn't worth it, that he didn't matter and no one would ever care about him, that he had no place in this world that it would be best to leave except that it would only be best for himself and not everyone for if he did it, he would be leaving so much crap upon the others, stuff in which they didn't ever deserve to deal with.

So he kept on going, even though he felt nothing but numbness and emptiness. Felt unloved, unwanted. Felt like a waste of space, energy and time. Felt like he was forever going to be nothing. 

He was so lost and confused and he had no one to truly help him, no one to be 100% honest with because his trust and happiness had been crushed a long time ago and he was surly not opening that part of his heart again for it hurt him too much. It was too painful, everything was and he just wanted to know why and to feel safe and loved.


End file.
